What's Wrong With Kids' Television? by Allyson Clark on 6.19.08
I never noticed how lame kids shows have become. Now that I am spending days babysitting elementary school kids, I have the pleasure of suffering through some of the Disney Channel and Noggin’s poor excuses for quality children’s programming. I’m probably going to sound like I am a ninety-year-old grandparent saying this, but back when I was a kid television was better. So, submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story, What the F*** Happened to Kids TV?
As a kid I spent my afternoons watching Clarissa Explain it All, getting the crap scared out of me by those dorks from “The Midnight Society,” watching a bunch of teens work at a dude ranch (who knew one of them would end up marrying Ben Stiller?), watching Alex Mac turn into a silver puddle and wish I could be lucky enough to have her powers (what the hell was I smoking?), and watching a bunch of kids salute their shorts at Camp Anawanna (yes, I hold you in my heart).
Now, I am forced to watch family friendly shows about the daughter of a washed out country singer who is a teen by day and a pop star by night, a bi-racial family with magical powers, an African American tween who lives in the White House, annoying twin boys of a single mom who are perennial pranksters at an upscale hotel, and Raven Symone thinking she is funny; word to the wise sister, you are a bit too old to be acting like you are still on The Cosby Show. All of these shows promote mixed families, try to inspire kids to achieve greatness and above all, they are nauseatingly wholesome. We live in a world where even the loser children get a trophy, how much more positive reinforcement do these kids need?
Gone are the days of SNICK where Clarissa Explains It All pushed the boundaries of kids programming and actually spelled out the words “sex” and “hell” onscreen. In one episode Clarissa even shoplifted lingerie. And what about her BFF Sam? Don’t tell me that after all those years of climbing into her window the duo didn’t climb into bed once in a while (I’m just saying, it could have been a deleted scene…) And what about Rocko’s Modern Life? The show about a wallaby living in O-Town was filled with double entendres and sexual innuendos. When the show came out, reviewers felt the need to warn parents to look out for the show’s sly references to sex, nipples, breasts and testicles. Rocko is a wallaby from Australia, what do you expect?
And what was more fun than watching Legends of the Hidden Temple? Those idiot kids had the hardest time answering the easiest trivia question and I took pleasure in being able to proudly shout out the answer as I sat in my living room and made fun of the contestants. Nothing pleased me more than watching one teammate try to control their anger as they watched their partner fail every task miserably. Long gone are the days of classic 90s Nickelodeon. It’s sad to think that when the kids of today are all grown up, their memories of their favorite childhood TV shows will include Hillary Duff and Miley Cyrus. Unfortunately for them, they have no idea what they are missing. I tried to explain how great TV used to be to a five-year-old I babysit for. Just as I was about to describe how I was scared shitless for a week after watching the Nosferatu episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? she ignored me and told me to be quiet because the best part of this particular episode of Hannah Montana was coming up. FYI kid, the best part of Hannah Montana is getting to turn it off.
Well, thinking about it now, I have not been completely fair. I guess I am somewhat wrong to say that kids TV shows lack the rebelliousness, innuendos and sheer terror my childhood programming had. I mean, where was Jamie Lynn Spears when I was growing up?
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