5. Fable (Xbox)
I hate to do this to Mr. Molyneux, I honestly do. In the four years prior to Fable’s release, Lionhead Studios turned to their ambitious lead designer to create a persistent world with motivating characters and a memorable story. What gamers received was a nine-hour dose of morphine that crammed a cliché narrative down their throats. In addition, its repetitive combat and confined environments drastically reduced the title’s enjoyability. Apparently Molyneux, who pinned Fable as a groundbreaking game, disregarded the fact that story is essential in any RPG; that is, the will to fight can only be present if there is something to fight for. Unfortunately, millions of gamers fell victim to Fable’s unending hype and false promises, making it one of the most detested titles in gaming today.
4. Need for Speed Carbon, ProStreet (Multi)
The Need for Speed series is universally known to gamers for its arcade-style gameplay, customization features and free-roaming worlds. However, the gaming public has not seen a “great” Need for Speed title since Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit for the Playstation 2. Every other year, it seems Electronic Arts shovels out an additional NFS title to add to the already looming pile, to which millions of gamers will purchase and instantly regret. Its tired mechanics and contrived formula have zero substance, and when pitted against other modern day racers such as Forza 2, Gran Turismo 5 Prologue, Ridge Racer 7 and GRiD, it’s difficult at this point to understand why anyone would go back.
3. The Sims (PC)
The ultimate time waster – what better way to spend your day than watching a miniature version of yourself perform the everyday tasks you should be doing in real life. Who needs companionship when you can find romance in The Sims? Need a snack? Don’t bother eating those Ranch Doritos that have been taunting you from the pantry, just request a virtual meal in The Sims; it’s just as good, and has zero calories to boot! I apologize, but I abhor most everything about this title, from the Simolean gibberish to the “one second equals one minute” game clock to the whiny, low self esteemed characters. The final straw came when my Sims left for work and I was left with an empty home. I was staring at a screen with nothing going on, and I had paid fifty dollars to do so.
2. Nintendogs (DS)
Miyamoto is an absolute genius – he found a way to make a puppy simulator spike Nintendo’s rise to power in the console race, capturing the hearts and minds of Japanese schoolgirls and lonely children around the world. While I respect what the man accomplished from a business perspective (it’s sold roughly twenty million units to date), I detest the idea that a primped version of Tomagotchi has somehow managed to captivate more gamers than every other title in existence, save for Super Mario Bros. for the NES. Face it, Nintendo, this is not what owning a new canine is like. They are not the cute and cuddly icons you make them out to be in your virtual goldmine, they are fiends from the depths of hell – they piss, shit, throw up, shed, bite, tear up furniture, and cause allergies. The only hands this title should be in is Paris Hilton’s, hand the Chihuahua over to PETA.
1. Super Mario Galaxy (Wii)
Like so many others this past holiday, I received Super Mario Galaxy as a Christmas gift and couldn’t wait to fire up the Wii and delve into Mario’s world of mushrooms and koopas troopas. It contained all the charm you’d expect from a Mario title to be sure, but one critical aspect was absent: the fun. From the teeth gnashing “SUPER MARIOO GALAXYY” opening to the globular worlds to the now ancient story, the Mario series has grown tired in its old age. I do not care for Bee Mario, Boo Mario, or Mermaid Mario, nor do I believe that collecting one hundred-twenty stars is in any way rewarding to gamers. Forty-three stars in, I couldn’t help but wonder why I was still playing since I already knew the ending: Mario defeats Bowser, Bowser somehow manages to survive for another sequel, and the Princess continues to give Mario blue balls. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s a sad day when the highest rated game of all time has earned its spot without any coherent narrative whatsoever.
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